The Art of the Adjust 🥊👻

Hey Fighters!

It's a tale as old as the gym: the common sparring complaint about an opponent's "annoying" or "unreadable" style. They zig when you expect a zag, they're too close, they're too far, their rhythm is off-putting. And yet, the reality of the ring is a powerful and immutable truth: you cannot tell your opponent how to box.

Your power lies not in their adjustments, but in your own. The only thing you can truly control is how you are boxing and, more specifically, your reactions to their style. You have to treat their quirks not as an annoyance, but as a puzzle to solve. Instead of complaining, you must experiment. Throw a different combination, change your footwork, step to a new angle. You can easily disrupt any style by simply adopting a new one yourself—a strategy designed to neutralize what's bothering you.

This same dynamic plays out in the wider world, particularly when it comes to the pervasive stress and negativity bombarding us daily. Lately, I've had many conversations with clients about the intensity of the world—the non-stop negative news cycle, the disturbing and stressful TV shows that partners insist on watching, the friends who call just to "dump" their anxiety.

Just as in the ring, the reality is that you cannot control how other people deal with their stress. You know your own stress-management playbook: watch happy shows, avoid the news, cultivate peace. But what happens when others try to impress their negative coping style onto you? When they seek to make you the receiving end of their emotional sparring session?

The answer is the same: adjust your style.

Trying to simply tell someone to "stop complaining" or "change the channel" often results in an unnecessary confrontation, leaving them feeling guilty, misunderstood, and possibly increasing your stress in the process.

The key is redirection and neutralization, not confrontation. Think of it as a defensive maneuver that leads directly into an offensive action:

Preempt the "dumping": If you know a friend always calls to complain, answer the phone and immediately launch into a brief, genuine story of joy or philosophical wonderment you recently experienced. You set the tone, not them.
Control the remote: If your partner defaults to stressful TV, simply make a point of having a genuinely happy, uplifting show already on before they even settle onto the couch.
Change the Angle: When the negative topic inevitably surfaces, don't argue it. Acknowledge it briefly, then pivot to a solution-oriented question or a more positive adjacent topic: "Wow, that sounds intense. Did you see that article about the new breakthroughs in [tangentially related positive field]? I was wondering..."

By redirecting the flow, you leave the confrontation out of the equation and effectively neutralize the entire situation. You've changed the style of the interaction, and just like in the ring, that adjustment is the only power you truly need to control the outcome. This might take some creativity on your part, but just like a sparring session is your responsibility to control, your relationships are your responsibility to make them what you want.

What's one common negative conversation you could commit to neutralizing this week by adjusting your own conversational "style"?